My stomach just made a noise that sounded an awful lot like the smoke monster in Lost. If you’ve never watched Lost, don’t bother. The smoke monster is, like everything else in the show, inexplicable. Essentially the noise it makes sounds a lot like the creak of a rusty ocean liner. My stomach just made a noise that is possibly not even biological. “Oh, what sort of overeating did you partake in now? Tibfib, you card!” That is probably what you are wondering.

Actually, if you’re wondering that, you missed something. The title of this post is CHOCOLATE BUFFET. Bet you can’t guess what I’ve been gorging on. The sound my stomach made was probably indicative of the fact that people, as a general rule, should not eat like this. This is a warning to you sensible folk out there. For the rest of you just as insane as I am, keep reading and take notes.

Let’s shift the blame and responsibility to my dear friend who decided it was a good idea to ban chocolate from her eating repertoire as an exercise of self restraint (lent). Not that that itself was the problem. No, it was the method of breaking that fast that was dangerous – chocolate buffet. You may or may not have heard of this wondrous buffet, offered by the Sutton Place Hotel downtown. (The very Sutton Place that is, in my perspective, backdrop to the lovely Japadog stand on the corner.) The buffet is served in the restaurant Fleuri, which apparently serves food other than chocolate as well.

You’re greeted by the inevitable cornerstone of any chocolate/dessert buffet, the chocolate fountain. If there is anything not chocolatey enough for your tastes in this selection, the chocolate fountain is a surefire way to douse your food of choice in even more chocolate than it is humanly possible to feasibly imagine. Hooray.

The table is decorated with a large chocolabra (see what I did there) filled with small cups of chocolate mousse. I was told this was not nearly as good as it looks.

Chocolate pecan pie in the background, with a mound of fresh strawberries ripe for a cocoa dunk.

The other side of the table, with the typically hotelesque flower centerpiece. There are some white chocolate items on this side: a white chocolate mango mousse, as well as a white chocolate pudding of sorts with a berry coulis.

I forget what this is, or if I ate it at all (probably). Sorry. Diabetic coma.

Chocolate banana bars, very neatly presented.

Profiterole pile. Not exactly sure what kind of filling it was. Maybe chocolate. Maybe.

I believe these were called “rum piles”. I may be wrong.

Chocolate cheesecake. Pretty good crust.

Truffle cake. Decadent, deliriously delish.

The item I wanted to tell you about the most. This is a croissant and chocolate bread pudding. Yes. Oh lordy. Oh me oh my. If I died eating this and went to heaven I would continue to eat this in heaven because heaven would be filled with this stuff. If I died eating this and went to hell then.. um.. it would’ve been mostly worth it, I guess.

It’s called the Chocoholic Buffet, but like a certain adorable mophead comedian once said: I’ve heard of many chocoholics, but I ain’t never seen no “chocohol”. We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don’t understand word endings.

People, I think I found my chocohol. It is that croissant and chocolate pudding. Good god, was it ever a holy day. Good Friday be blessed with many chocolatey items in my gullet. Happy Easter, y’all.

» Chocoholic Buffet at the Vancouver Sutton Place Hotel at the Fleuri Restaurant, 845 Burrard Street [604-642-2900]